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hillary in the sky with diamonds
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hi.
i'm hillary brooke cowell.
i love the beatles.
i have the same birthday as george harrison
(the twenty-fourth of february)
just like the who, "i hope i die before i get old."
i've lived in wisconsin for the majority of my life.
a lot of people hate me.
i go to heroin high, whatever.
i couldn't live without my friends...
...they know who they are.
i hate orangejuice.
i like music a lot. i also like other things too.
music, drawing, making collages, cutting & dying hair, fashion, the 60's, the 70's, black coffee, drug movies, laughing endlessly, cardigans, cuddling, chilly weather, waking up before everyone else, the smell of fresh paint, sour patch kids, doing pointless stuff with my friends, sushi rolls, cheech & chong movies, thrift stores, big cities, vintage wallpaper, obsessive cleaning if im in the mood, or sometimes being a slob, sunflower market, cheek and hip bones, savers, kitties, smoking, peeling off nailpolish, prenatal vitamins, satori imports, diet energy drinks, cigars, mary-kate olsen, listening to music while i sleep, protein bars, sparkletts water, nag champa incense, licorice spice tea, vh1classic, dramamine, frozen almonds, huge lipgloss tubes, independant films, dijastas, america's next top model, doing impersonations, stella mccartney, skinny jeans, green tea icecream, george harrison's eyebrows, yung bun, twiggy, state street, snorting booger sugar with tiana on the bus, holden caulfield, tokemon and cokemon, ditching class, ibuprofen, that 70's show, long hair, the sound of cracking ice, pixie cuts, taking polariods, starbucks, making new friends, ballet flats, weed, boyshorts, interior design, burt's bees, fawn eyes, pistachio lotion, hugging the people that mean most to me, or not letting anyone touch me at all, ecco bella, beatniks and bohemians, watching disney movies with my sister, fourth avenue, dream analysis, beatles movies, baking, sewing, doing nothing but read all day, talking on the phone for hours until my phone dies.
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| april 26th, 2007; 5:25pm |
[26 Apr 2007|07:54pm] |
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"alone down there" by modest mouse |
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it seems like so long since i've written that i pretty much disgust myself. but really, its only been like ten days...it seems like so much longer.
i guess i need to update on what's happened since i last wrote anything in here.
on tuesday (the 17th) afterschool my mom drove me to urban outfitters to meet up with max there. then we noticed that neither of us had a lighter so we went to gentle ben's and we got their last book of matches. then we walked to this little grassy knoll in front of some college services building and smoked a couple of hits and shared a cigarette until some weird black girls came out of the building and they just stood there while they complained about how their answer documents had been lost or something; we decided to go somewhere else.
we walked for a little bit until we saw the glorious church lawn that looked just way too inviting to pass up. so we sat on the lawn and smoked a whole lot more, i can't really remember how much. there were some really old ladies that were standing around chatting it up but they probably thought we were having a cigarette while playing a silent kazoo since we were using a pipe.
then we were just kind of relaxing on the lawn, kind of taking it all in, when max was like ehhh what do you want to do, do you want to go somewhere, etc. me, being as indecisive and daydreamy as i am, just kind of sat there like a lump, so he was just like "oh fuck it" (in his head) and put his arm around me and pulled me towards him like he later told me had wanted to in the first place. then, well, we were kissing and laying on the grass and it was the most amazing thing ever. then he was like yeeeahh let's find someplace more private.
so then we were walking and holding hands for what seemed like a couple hours. we were walking down university and i swear that i thought everyone walking towards our direction looked just like people that go to my school, but just at the last moment i would discover that i was horribly mistaken and the person really looked nothing like who i thought they were.
we stopped once in front of urban outfitters, just to talk about where we might go. and it was interesting. i could barely stand up and it was nearly impossible for me to take anything seriously. max would be talking to me like two feet away and i'd have to keep convincing myself that he was actually there at all. i felt like i was wearing 3-D glasses in a dream. everybody was walking by us and i couldnt really understand why people took things so seriously, and why i couldnt just run around doing whatever i wanted because these people clearly were part of a dream. plus, i would make a motion to move, without really thinking about it as if it were a reflex, and then it would be about fifteen seconds later that i comprehended that yes, i had indeed moved. i kind of thought about walking right into the road since i figured it wouldnt really matter, but luckily i didnt.
so then somewhere along the line max and i started walking again. eventually i noticed that we were actually on the college campus. he was telling me some story about when he went into the psychology building a while ago and tried to go there again but he said that he couldnt never find it again. i told him about ferris mustafa and that how even though he ooks like a depressed toad, he's actually very cool. we made our way to this college building that resembled the inside of a mall, since it had many levels with halls where you could see the lowest level of the place. we went int he elevator and made out and then we started to walk up and down the stairs looking for somewhere to go. i dont even know how long we were doing that for, it seemed like years even though i cant remember what i was thinking or what we were talking about. eventually at the very top of the stairs there was a little dark landing and a little hatch that lead to the roof. we were just there on the dark landing and were fooling around and eventually ended up going all the way. during this, my mom apparently called me so i called her back later and had her pick me up at american apparel. when we got there we were just having fun; i found these heinous metallic stretchy pants that i put on max like a headdress, and we were playing with the manequins and stuff. then my mom picked me up.
everything was perfectly okay...i dont think she noticed my condition and even if she had, i dont think either of us cared. i really wanted to listen o music but i couldnt remember my intentions long enough to choose a song. so i started talking to my mom about how nice max is and about how he is friends with stefen, and then she didnt respond so i was just looking at her and i was thinking that maybe i hadnt actually said anything to her at all and i was just staring at her like a big retard.
then the next day, it was late start so tiana picked me up to go to school...and i definitely still felt high from the day before. it was a little worrysome, but then i didnt care and just enjoyed it. i talked to john about it and he figured that it couldve been laced with pcp or something, since that happened to him once. also, his friend adriana smoked with max's friend natty that also goes to tucson high...and she also felt high the day afterwards. so it was probably the same stuff. its ok though, i definitely enjoyed it.
well, that friday was 4/20 of course. i stayed home from school, thinking that perry would do the same so i could smoke some with him then he could give me a ride to hang out with max. but of course with my luck, perry actually went to school. by the end of the day i was feeling really nauseaus so i coudlnt really do anything that night. i was supposed to go see the performance of the play that gillian wrote, then have her and tiana sleep over but i felt too sick.
the next day, around 1:30ish in the afternoon, i walked over to azp to hang out with tiana, dan, and gillian for a little bit...it was fun and dan got me cigarettes but it was only for an hour until they had to go leave for dan's band's concert.
then at like 12:00 that night i started to get tired so i took a nap, then tiana and gillian came over at like 2:00 so that was pretty fun. we just sat in my room while tiana and i smoked a little and we all just were talking and it was extremely enjoyable.
then on sunday, my dad dropped me off at the el con mall to see a movie with max. we got our tickets then walked behind this desolate wall near the mall to smoke, and when we got up to talk to the movie he grabbed me by my waist to kiss me from behind and it was very cute.
we saw <u>vacancy</u>, and it was kind of dumb but obviously we werent really there for just the movie, plus since i was high the movie was just like behhh. so we fooled around in the movie and stuff, then when it got out we just walked around and went into other movies. it was just kind of random and chill.
then we went to walk around the mall and there was barely anyone there and lots of stores were empty. we found one really long room that was unlocked and empty so we went in there and we had sex, and a cigarette afterwards which really was as nice as people say it is. we were just sitting there with our pants off smoking and it was all very casual, but in a very natural and comfortable and good way.
after sitting there and talking for a while, we wandered into macy's. we took the elevator to the third floor, where we discovered a group of many huge unused rooms. one was filled with a bunch of sofas, another had tables, and one had a ton of matresses and a big papier mache elephant. since we were tired we called max's friend natty to meet us there (they thought it would be the perfect place to have a party sometime) and we got some blankets and pillows we found and took a nap on one of the matresses. i was resting my head on his chest and we cuddled and kissed and he was like, "you're so cute...i cant get enough of you!"
natty called us and said he couldnt find us, and that's because we accidently told him that we were in jcpenney's. but then my mom called to pick me up so we went to the main store, with an indian drum that max found as a gift for natty, but the store was dark and all the doors were locked since it was pretty late. luckily, the janitor let us out so we didnt get locked in.
on tuesday, olivia and i got picked up from school by her friend adrianna because there was this traffic barricade i wanted but couldnt take it on the bus. then once olivia and i got home we went to the wash to smoke, but we only had like one bowl so it was kind of dumb. then perry called and he was being really nice but then when we walked to his car he was being such a dick to us, and tyler of course was just sitting there giggling the whole time since he's a nice kid.
last-last night, i talked to max about our little situation and basically what he thought of us just to see if we were on the same page. he was like yeeah he's fond of our little thing and then asked if i was looking for a relationship. i said i would eventually want that, and for the time being that a more laid-back thing would be more appropriate. then, we were figuring that we already had our in-between stage and that we both already know what we want, that it would make sense to be "together". i dont know if its official, but we basically are. he said that his brother (he's 21 hrmmm) is coming back from vietnam in a week and wants to meet me since max has talked about me. i am honored.
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| april 15th, 2007; 3:46pm |
[15 Apr 2007|07:36pm] |
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"holland, 1945" by neutral milk hotel |
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today, max invited me to go see a movie with him and smoke beforehand and i really wanted to go since we haven't hung out in like two weeks. so i came home from tiana's house and my mom said she'd take me. i asked my parents for money for the movie and we got into this dumb fight where i was saying i'd rather have fun and enjoy life and die early rather than having a pointless life that i could never enjoy. then i was like, screw it, and went to go get my bag to hang out with max and when i came back, they were gone and they left their phones here. so basically, i totally broke down sobbing, and i was thinking how nice max is and i am such a bitch...there was no way i could call to tell him i couldnt meet him, and how i am failing at life, and i dont even know what it is that i want. i really hope that he doesnt hate me now although he has every right to. he is such a great friend and an amazing person and one of my few friends that i would never want to lose.
so then i was just like, fuck everything! i snorted some of those white and pink pill things which was really stupid, and i took two pills of vicodin and had wine which im drinking now. i really need to figure out what i want to do with my life and just take some action. i am actually looking forward to school next year, mainly taking french and photography. i think i might just finish this year with shitty grades and try harder next year. i think i may actually be able to find a nice balance between getting decent grades and still doing a bunch of stuff like using drugs and going to concerts, taking pictures, painting, travelling, and enjoying the life i've been given.
although this year hasnt been great, i feel like im really finding out who exactly it is that i am. i've lost some prominent friends like catherine and arica, but as i look at it, i realise that its really for the best. ive gotten the chance to bond with some really fantastic people like tiana, john, olivia, gillian, and max. i feel great about spending time with them because i feel like we really connect and they're not at all phoney.
this summer is also going to be incredible...i can already tell. i'm going to be able to get to know my dad's side of the family in the setting of a beautiful country. there are so many things i would like to talk to nana about, like design and what she used to like when she was my age (grandma loved to listen to the everley brothers) and to borrow her vintage jewelry. i also cannot wait to bond with dale (he's only a year younger than me) since we are so close in age and i've heard that he has good music taste.
now dont even get me started about italy's art and culture! this is going to be amazing.
i can feel those vicodins and wine having an effect on me. i hope max calls so i can explain what happened and of course apologize.
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[08 Apr 2007|01:45pm] |
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"cannonball" by damien rice |
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so the original plans for this spring break were...
to go to california (los angeles and ontario) with gillian and tiana, since gillian goes there 130 days per year to stay with her dad. my dad was going to let me, it was actually about to happen! but the deal was that if tiana couldnt go, neither could i. and tiana couldnt go.
my sping break has been extremely lame compared to what was supposed to happen.
friday, march 30th, 2007
after school, olivia rode the bus home with me. we were walking to my house from our bus stop near azp, and perry and tyler were sitting in perry's car, and they wanted us to hang out with them but we had to be somewhere else, fourth avenue.
we left for fourth avenue at six, probably. we went to urban outfitters and outside we saw the midget that goes to our school, so we tried to follow her, but of course she was difficult to see in the crowd. haha. then we went inside urban and looked at the dresses and tried to imagine which one ferris mustafa would look best in, it was really funny. then we met max in the home accessories area. theeen we just walked around and found ourselves near some apartment garages and we smoked some from this pipe that max randomly found a while ago, it was glass and swirly. olivia made lots of animal faces whenever she exhaled, like a savage tiger or something. then we noticed that some little kid was staring at us, so we went to find a better spot and we found a little alley between two apartment buildings and we smoked there, then we moved to somebody's porch. eventually we just walked back to fourth avenue and went to hippie gypsy and olivia got hungry/thirsty so we bought an icecream cone for a dollar. some of max's friends from school were there and he jumped on their car with a loving embrace. then we went to sit by hippie gypsy again to wait for my mom to pick us up. even though it sounds like a boring time it was nice to just hang out with max and olivia and we had many interesting conversations...we called stefen from my school to see if he knew who caleb was..."he's a nerd and he says ' you are wasting my time! '" but i think stefen either got suspended or died because i never see him at school anymore...alonzo got suspended because they said he had to take a drug test or else they would expell him. either way he would be out of our school, so he just dropped out.
then once my mom picked us up, we went by tiana's house to pick her up and then we went back to my house. we had chips with guacamole and watched that 70's show friday night marathon until my parents went to bed. then we went into my room and smoked a little bit of what we had left from when we were in fourth avenue, but it was only a little bit like a couple of hits (from a pipe, so...) and since tiana hadnt had any earlier she didnt really feel that much.
then i guess we just watched tv and talked until we got tired, i dont know when we went to bed though.
wednesday, april 4th, 2007
my dad's birthday!
tiana and naomi came over to sleep over, i dont know what time they came over though. it was pretty boring for a while, we just sat around and talked and ate (when dont we eat?) and we just did random stuff which i dont even remember. once it was night though, we went outside and walked around my neighborhood and took some sidewalk chalk that julian randomly gave me last year, and we drew in my driveway and left a message for perry and tyler in tyler's driveway ("we love muffinhead and tyler!") and another one near azp where we figured perry would see it. then we just ran around my neighborhood and near azp and went to walgreens to get icecream and hair dye (i dyed my hair blondish, its pretty close to my natural color now) and we went to the wash near my house and i had a cigarette but then naomi was annoyed because the sticks were like hurting her butt so we just walked around. running around in our pajamas at two in the morning! haha tiana was wearing her slippers and candycane shorts.
in the morning we just sat around some more, we wrote down music for each other to download, it was just a pretty chill morning.
friday, april 6th, 2007
since olivia was back from disney land, we decided to have a little get together. around four in the afternoon, i picked tiana and olivia up and we got dropped off at the starbucks near la encantada. we had some green tea frappes, and sat in there for a while. i squished a baby grasshopper that was on our table with a salsa explosion cd. then we walked over to la encantada (on the way we carefully stole some flowers we saw) and we went to aj's to get something to eat. we just kind of walked aimlessly around aj's, looking at their specialty foods and i stuck the flowers in a bucket of ice with cracker and dip samples. we eventually bought some sushi and rice candies and then went outside to eat them and got some free icewater. it was all very relaxing, we just talked about random stuff like scruffy skinny boys and stupid wannabes like sophie gibson-rush with her dumb thermos of tea and chalk drawings at school that she couldnt even get the phrase right..."make peace not war!" haha whatever! i hate when people think they're hippies, its pretty much impossible, its over, get over it, get over yourself, and go read a book about it instead of wasting your chalk.
then we got really bored so we walked back to cvs drugstore to be stupid, when we walked there i wore tiana's grandma's delightful knit hobo hat over my entire face and i looked like an alien. then we tried to steal a shopping cart but the wheels were defected and it kept dragging us down the hill. then we went into cvs and tried to find pink hairspray for party monster night, but they had none. then we went home.
once we got home, we figured ew why are we staying inside doing nothing?
so we went over to azp, even though azp is quite boring. and we walked to the apartments near circle k hoping that robby would like to hang out, but he was having dinner with his family and his mom wouldve gotten mad if we came over. so we went back to azp and andrew and tyler's brother bo and more of derek's (not derek ballerina pepito, but the freshman one) friends were there and they kept staring and pointing at us so we got some pizza and ate in my driveway, by then it was dark. gillian called and we put her on speaker phone and we noticed that the door to derek's house was open, so we tried to creep around his house and tap on their window but then the gate was too squeaky and noisy so we decided to just open the front door and walk in, but then derek's drunk dad started to open the door so we ran away.
then perry texted me, since we had called earlier before (he was at alonzo's house when we called) and asked if we wanted to smoke with him, so he picked us up and we went with him and tyler to some little dried creek near perry's neighborhood and smoked a lot in perry's car. we kind of just took tyler's bong and perry and all of us besides tyler were in the back seat so tyler probably got really annoyed yet he looked just pretty chill..."tyler you look so black!" haha. then we drove over to alonzo's house, and just watched tv there, and i guess perry and i hooked up which now just seems really funny to me, and alonzo kept trying to tip himself over in the chair (he and jae had been drinking) and he did and spilled all the water everywhere. then we decided that we should probably go home at two, and perry said he'd drive us but he fell asleep. so i was like perry if you dont take us i will hit you with this guitar (alonzo's guitar) but of course i didnt since that's mean, so alonzo said i could keep the guitar and he randomly gave me two pipes, and then we got this sober kid eddy to drive us home.
then once we got home we had some of my dad's birthday cake and we watched about half of party monster, but then we got too tired so we just went to sleep and yeah.
now i really dont want to go back to school. i hate school.
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[04 Jan 2006|06:31pm] |
no cut for you. :D
[ ] I am a cuddler
[ ] I am a great dancer [Well...]
[x] I am a morning person. SOMETIMES
[x] I am a perfectionist
[ ] I am an only child.
[ ] I am Catholic.
[ ] I am currently in my pajamas.
[ ] I am currently pregnant.
[x] I am currently single
[ ] I am currently suffering from a broken heart.
[x] I am good at styling other people's hair.
[ ] I am left handed.
[ ] I am married.
[x] I am addicted to myspace.
[ ] I am online 24/7, even as an away message.
[ ] I am very shy around the opposite gender at first
[x] I bite my nails.
[x] I can be paranoid at times
[x] I currently have a crush on someone
[ ] I currently regret something that I have done
[x] When I get mad I curse frequently.
[ ] I don't hate anyone.
[ ] I enjoy country music.
[ ] I enjoy jazz music.
[x] I enjoy smoothies.
[x] I enjoy talking on the phone only to catherine and gina
[ ] I have a car
[x] I have a cell phone.
[x] I have/had a hard time paying attention at school.
[x] I have a hidden talent lol i can pray behind my back and twist my thumbs to the front of my hand...?
[x] I have a lot to learn.
[x] I have a pet.
[x] I have a secret that I am ashamed to reveal but I have told at least one person
[ ]I have a tendency to fall for the "wrong" guy/girl
[x] I have all my grandparents
[x] I have at least one brother and/or sister.
[ ] I have been in a threesome.
[ ] I have been to another country.
[ ] I have been to Europe.
[x] I have been told that I am very smart
[x] I have been told that I have an unusual sense of humor.
[x] I have broken a bone.
[x] I have Caller I.D. on my phone.
[ ] I have changed a diaper/nappy.
[x] I have changed a lot over the past year.
[x] I have done something illegal.
[x] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
[ ] I have killed another person.
[ ] I've had a haircut in the past week.
[ ] I've had the cops called on me.
[ ] I have kissed someone I knew I shouldn't.
[x] I have mood swings.
[ ] I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life.
[x] I have rejected someone before.
[x] I have seen The Lord of the Rings trilogy
[x] I have seen the television show The O.C.
[ ] I have watched Sex and the City
[ ] I like Shakespeare
[x] I like the taste of blood.
[x] I love to cook/bake.
[ ] I like to sing.
[x] I love Michael Jackson.
[x] I love my friends.
[x] I love sleeping.
[x] I love to play computer games.
[x] I love to shop.
[xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx] I miss someone right now.
[x] I own 100 CDs or more. mp3 albums, same thing
[ ] I own and use a library card i lost mine, plus azn libraries suck
[ ] I practice(d) a religion that is not considered mainstream
[x] I read books for pleasure in my spare time.
[ ] I sleep a lot during the day
[ ] I strongly dislike math.
[x] I think Britney Spears is pretty
[ ] I was born in a country other than the US.
[x] I watch soap opera(s) on a regular basis psh i definitely think degrassi counts
[x] I will try almost anything once.
[ ] I work at a job that I enjoy
[ ]I would classify myself as ghetto!
[x]I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.
[x]I can name all 7 dwarfs from Snow White
[ ]I am currently wearing socks.
[x]I am tired.
[x]I love to paint/draw/sketch/sculpt
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[23 Dec 2005|08:26pm] |
so basically...
i'm not really gonna be on lj anymore, unless i really feel like updating.
but i'll miss you guys and stuff.
so if you want to keep in touch, pleeeasseeeseseeee leave me a comment, k?
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[03 Dec 2005|07:14pm] |
bye lj, i'm out.
after four years.
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ohemgerard's journal
duhmd blue pills help me sleep